The gift of space

For many years I've had the privilege of receiving pastoral supervision, it was something I sought out myself; mainly through almost burning out within the first few years of my work/ministry. I'm pleased that my own denomination is now rolling out a programme of supervision for all ordained ministers (It's not perfect but will be a great gift to the church and those who receive it).

One of the main gifts for me has been having a dedicated space (& person) in/with which to stop, reflect and process some of: who I am, what I've been doing, things that are coming up or that I need to reflect on (Maybe there's a link to my previous blog and the need to create intentional space as part of my sabbatical?). For much of my time in supervision it's not been so much about the impact of the pastoral work I'm undertaking (although it's great to have a safe place to take some of that occasionally). A greater focus has been the challenge to self reflect, to consider my interactions and how I relate to others, my faith, my work, etc.  Over the years there has been a great deal of insight and space to talk through options, strategies and space to consider how I might need to be resourced for whatever it is I'm dealing with. The gift of gently being held in prayer by my supervisors has also been a real blessing.

Some will know, but many others won't, that I've come to recognise that I'm currently living with depression. This insight itself was something I was able to name and formally acknowledge at a supervision session; a significant moment of self realisation and an important step on my journey towards better health. One of the reflections from my supervision and the NHS CBT sessions I've been having is that I'm not always good with space. Days off without any real purpose have been some of those that I've actually felt the lowest... A while ago when my health was poorer there was a genuine question as to whether I should stop work for a bit. For me, there has been something life giving about ministry/work, I enjoy it, I think a reasonable amount of the time I'm actually good at it. I do recognise however, some unhealthy drives within me.  I recognise that some of my sense of personhood and value comes from feeling I'm making a difference, or from giving care and attention to others (or even just being at the centre of things or 'up front' with others listening!'). I've been slowly recognising the negative impact on me and my own health and am grateful for those around who, over the years, have gentle encouraged me to slow down, to take care of myself or to be more honest about how I'm actually feeling. So entering the space of sabbatical (as I still feel I am a few days in) is not easy.  Stepping back from the 'doing' and many of the things that energise or affirm me; things that give me purpose is not easy. I'm not good at not 'doing'... but I'm also trying to be open to space to be and space where I might continue to seek to be healed.

I want to pause to acknowledge that writing that paragraph hasn't been easy... I still find it hard to talk about my health and am still in many ways coming to terms with having a bout of poor mental health. I've not wanted to hide it, there is enough stigma for those with mental health difficulties as it is, but I also have not wanted to shout about it, partly because I have been able to function and continue to work and I've not wanted it to stop people trusting me. (I have been glad of good colleagues and my current pastoral supervisor, as well as Sarah for checking with me regularly and contracting to let me know if they did feel I needed to stop work). I have found myself saying to some that the space my sabbatical is offering has maybe come a year too late, but I'm also aware that I'm not sure I would have been ready to receive its gifts a year ago. I am extremely grateful for the Methodist Church's commitment to sabbaticals and to my colleagues and the university for granting me the space I know I deeply need - this space is a real gift of that I am already certain!

If anything of what I've shared above has spoken to you personally can I just encourage you to talk to someone about it, a friend, GP, pastor or a charity.

Without trying to flip into preacher mode two quick reflections on two biblical texts:

Mark 12:30-31 New International Version (NIV)
30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’[a] 31 The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b] There is no commandment greater than these.”

John 13:34-35 New International Version (NIV)
34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. 35 By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”



Photo by Joshua Fuller on Unsplash

Love is fundamental - theologically to me it is my prime understanding of the nature of God, it is my experience and is at the heart of the good news of my faith. I am aware, reflecting on these two passages however, that we can set false expectations of ourselves, or be driven by standards that are hard to meet. How can we love one another as God has loved us? So fully, so complete, without bounds? What about our frailty, our humanness (our sin?) Yes, I seek more and more to be opened to God's love, yes I want to express that in who I am and how I live with others, even if there are times when I find that particularly hard - (behind the wheel of a car, when watching certain politicians...) Yes, I hope that by doing so I might reveal more of God's love, however can I ever love as God has loved me/us?

The second the so called 'golden rule' and a message that finds echoes in many religious traditions has informed my way of being and my ministry fundamentally: ‘Love your neighbour as yourself’. Wow if only we could learn to do that, what a world we would live in! If I'm honest, my poor health has led me to confront some of my inner 'demons' and frailty. I've always been better at the first part than the second; I know I'm not alone, I see it in so many of those that I work amongst. I'm happier loving my neighbour, expressing that love outwardly to others; loving myself, honouring myself, acknowledging my need of love is so much harder and is something, like many others, I struggle with. 

I can almost see some of the surprised faces reading this - I may appear outwardly confident, well balanced and with a good life (I have a loving family,  a job I enjoy, a faith that helps to orientate my life for the good, a sense of security and so much more); yet as with so many others I still at times struggle to 'love me'. I'm grateful for those who have and continue in different ways support me as I learn more of what that can mean and to receive more fully the love that I'm offered by others. As one often more ready to give than to receive this is a lesson I'm slowly learning. 

Maybe too that is part of what this gift of space will be for me?